Objects and subjects
The Root of It
Women receive an obnoxious volume of messaging about our bodies. We're told to love our bodies, respect our bodies, to be proud of them, while also getting relentless feedback that smaller bodies are better bodies and if we aren't killing ourselves to that end, we're failing. It is a minefield for even the most secure and confident among us.
My own experience with my body was pretty unremarkable until I got sick. I didn't know it then, but this experience was shaped largely by my unearned thin privilege. I didn't have to think about my body because according to our culture, I checked all of the boxes. I was thin, didn't work too hard at it, and ate a reasonable amount of food. Strangers didn't police what I ate at Chipotle or if what I wore was appropriate. I could run in shorts and a sports bra when it was hot outside and only experience a basic level of harassment. I heard others talking about how we should love our bodies, but I was too busy living in mine (again, because of thin privilege) to give any of it much thought.
Then I got sick. And then I hit menopause a few years later. Oh, and I also had to stop running completely for almost two years. Needless to say, I did not come through this stretch of time unscathed. In any way, shape, or form. My body became as unfamiliar to me as a stranger's. Fortunately (luckily?) and conveniently, this change within my own body coincided with the unlearning I embarked on to undo my internalized anti-fat bias. Initially, I started this unlearning to be a better human for others, but as I dove deeper, I started to see how much I applied the shit I took on from culture to myself, especially as my body started to change.
Predating my unlearning was my familiarity with the body positivity movement. A movement I didn't feel part of, but fully supported (still do, if that's what works for someone). One of the messages I was exposed to through that movement was the seemingly simple "love your body". I struggled with this, not because I hated my body, but because loving it didn't feel like what I needed either. I've had a number of in-depth conversations on this topic, some with professionals working in this field. None of them changed my experience of that particular message.
But then on a recent episode of the podcast We Can Do Hard Things hosted by Glennon Doyle, Amanda Doyle, and Abby Wambach, Glennon talked through her own experience of this messaging and suddenly it all clicked into place. Glennon is in recovery for anorexia and shares some about her progress occasionally on the podcast. In an episode aptly titled "Don't Tell Glennon to Love Her Body" (episode #200), she gets to the heart of why this philosophy doesn't work for her. And for the very first time, I understood where I also get hung up with that approach because what she said was the truest thing I've heard in a while.
It all comes down to objects and subjects. When we are told to love our body, our body is the object. I experience the object-ifying of the body, of my body, as a separateness. As a divide. And even though until very recently, I spent most of my time living in my head, consumed by my thoughts, I still experienced my body as part of me - as me. When being asked to love my body, I could feel but not articulate, the othering of myself.
Glennon talked about wanting to love WITH her body, making her body the subject. I replayed that part of the podcast three times because someone finally articulated my experience in a way I had been unable to. That's exactly it to me. I want to live with my body. I want to love with my body. I want to deprogram myself from the othering of my body. Descartes said "I think therefore I am". All respect to him, but I disagree. I am because I am. My head, my thoughts are not me. They are part of me, but they are not me. My body is me, INCLUDING my head and my (overactive) brain.
What this has meant is a liberation from figuring out the puzzle of why I don't love myself. It's not something I think about often, but I do bump up against it particularly as I've had to purchase new clothes over the last year. Instead, I can continue the practice of being in my body, of being with myself. For someone who likes to be in her head, it's not an easy thing, but I am getting better at it. Or maybe not better at it, but my head and feet are in the same place more often these days.
Usually, I close these with a few questions to consider. But today I am intentionally not doing that. Instead, I encourage you find a few moments to just BE today. Be with yourself, be with your body (if that feels safe for you, obv). Go outside if you can, and tap into your senses. What can you see? What can you hear? What can you touch? What can you smell?
Until next time,
Kim
www.juniperuscoaching.com